To smack or not to smack?

Agree.
I must discipline my children because that is loving.
discipline CAN include a smack, but doesn’t HAVE to.
If we smack we must not be lacking in ‘self control’
a smack must also be measured and appropriate, not abuse.

However:
Many of the non physical punishments imho amount to mental cruelty and are far more damaging to self esteem, relationship and development.  Isolation, witholding physical touches/loving embrace and denial of nourishments for instance can be significantly damaging.
Words chosen can have a serious effect on childs mental well being.

Thanks Tim – will have a think about making our inadequate efforts public!
Rob – Good points to remember about all forms of discipline if done cruelly or even thoughtlessly  

Tim and Robert’s comments prompted me to respond (came across this blog because I’m moving to Sweden vv soon too)

How to discipline without walloping a child?  Mark’s line works really well, if said clearly, calmly and with authority:  “In this house, we do not hit each other.” It works for years, well after smacking has to end (when one’s son is bigger, stronger, faster than one…) – variants include “In this house, nobody smokes.”  “In this house, we treat each other with respect.  We share the housework.  We keep in touch if our plans change.”  Etc.  You get the drift.  Set the rules, state them clearly, mean them, and articulate them when you need to.  And live by them yourself.

Another thing that worked for me was to appeal to their care for others:  “Grandmama would be hurt to hear you use those words.”

Techniques for smaller children – distraction (“let’s get out of this aisle and see if we can find some funny shaped potatoes for supper.  Will you stop screaming now so we can do that?”) and displacement (pick them up, walk away from the situation, hug them and tell them calmly but firmly to stop being so ghastly, whatever their misdemeanor was.)  Slapping a child and leaving them there in the situation is obviously perverse, but it happens all the time.  And disappointment – the “naughty step” is rather meaningless if the child feels no guilt.  To get that, you need to be disappointed in their behaviour, not angry with them. 

If you don’t want to mess them up forever (and don’t forget – you probably will anyway! Poets are never wrong…), use the line “This behaviour is unacceptable”.  Love the sinner, after all.  Don’t say, “You’re a bad, bad boy” a hundred times a day (my little brother thought that was his name for quite a long while…).

One of the nurseries my son went to, back in the liberal 90s, had a “no no” policy, which I thought was utterly bonkers to start with (I was brought as a missionary kid in Brazil, btw.  I know that spare the rod thing all too well)  But by gum it worked.  Holding back on bellowing and shrieking NOOOO at a child for tiny things means when you need to (like when they start to cross a road without looking), they stop instantly and you get their full attention. 

One of the best bits of parenting advice I was given was the “just say yes” rule – when your child asks to do something utterly unreasonable, JSY.  As long as they know they will face the consequences, they will usually be wiser than you might think… Discipline, after all, is about learning to live, not learning to be rule bound.